"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson


"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
George Bush

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde

"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
Geoff Arbuthnot

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey 

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips


"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison
 
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright

 

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