"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper

"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."

Brendan Francis

" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
W.C.Fields

"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling
 

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